Heroines of Novels You Wouldn’t Want to Be

Spoiler alert: I do quite like a lot of these novels, but I will ruin them for you if you have never read them and decide to read on.

Good Morning, Midnight, Jean Rhys (1939)

Sasha Jensen: Ok, so throwing myself in the Seine didn’t work. I shall drink Absinthe on my own and obsess over hats and what colour to dye my hair. Now I might go a bit mental.

Madame Bovary, Gustav Flaubert (1856)

Emma Bovary: Oh woe is me, I hate provincial life! I was born to better things. I shall have an affair. Many! Balls, that didn’t work out. Shit, I’m in debt. What shall I do? Hmm, here’s some arsenic. Might as well…

Never Let Me Go, Kazuo Ishiguro (2005)

Kathy: My friends are shit and I am being farmed for my organs.

Fanny Hill, John Clelland (1748)

Fanny Hill: I love having sex all the time, especially the first time I did it because I was written by a man and I get more pleasure from fucking for money than the men that pay me. The end.

Lolita, Vladamir Nabakov (1855)

Lolita: So I’m a trampy little sex obsessed underage slip of a girl. Don’t be fooled, I love it, even though I am 12. Once I escape the child rapist and make a new life for myself, he returns and kills my husband. Curtain fades.

The Autobiography of Alice B Toklas, Gertrude Stein (1933)

Gertrude Stein: I am a self-obsessed crazy social climbing lesbian who has to write a fake autobiography of my lover to make myself look good. I am mean to everyone, including Hemmingway and Picasso.


About ohhellwhatthehell

I like gin, mittens and otters, not necessarily in that order. Here's some stuff I felt like writing down when I'm not chained to a desk writing other things for a living. Please use caution when using this site; there may be sweary words, cute animals and general bullshit. Don't say I didn't fucking warn you.
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6 Responses to Heroines of Novels You Wouldn’t Want to Be

  1. kate says:

    “Kathy: My friends are shit and I am being farmed for my organs.”

    Haha this actually says it all.

  2. Lisa says:

    You’re back, you’re back, you’re back!
    I love it. And particularly this post.
    You, my friend, are very clever. And kinda hot…
    L x

    • Yo L-cat, where YOU been? Grrrrrr xo

      • Lisa says:

        I have two words for you – Congo, crack.
        See email for further details.
        Also, I have been looking at pictures of badgers. I love those stripey little fuckers.
        Maybe my badger and your otter could get together? Take that as you will.
        I miss your face off x

  3. Badger-Otter relations are something only dreamt of by The Daily Mail. But I’m willing to see what happens.

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