No Thanks, We’re Astronauts


According to a recent AAP report, Russian astronauts “never, ever had sex in space”.

“There’s no official or unofficial evidence that there were instances of sexual intercourse or the carrying out of sexual experiments in space,” Valery Bogomolov, deputy director of the Moscow-based Institute of Biomedical Problems told the Interfax news agency.

Rumours have persisted for years of secret Russian and American programs to test the effects of weightlessness on sex but this has always been strongly denied by both sides.

Well, I’m glad we cleared that one up. If you were an astronaut the last thing you’d want (or expect, one imagines) when you tuck in to your freeze-dried ice-cream at tea-time is a giant load of floating space sperm to hit you in the eye. I can understand why people would be interested in the effects of weightlessness on sex, but let’s be honest, it’s not a pressing concern is it? Most people I know aren’t concerned about sex in space. They’re more pre-occupied with getting it here on earth. Perhaps with the exception of Richard Branson.

NASA might claim no one got frisky in space, but in 2007 astronaut Lisa Nowak drove non-stop from Texas to Orlando in a nappy to confront (and possibly murder) her love rival – the latest squeeze of another, male astronaut. If that’s what happens here on the ground, lord only knows what they’re up to out there.

Sex in Space would not be cool. It would not be like being on the set of Barbarella. It would be a messy horrible unflattering affair that left everyone involved feeling sheepish and unable to look at each other over breakfast. So I’m willing to bet if anyone has done it, they ain’t talking.

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About ohhellwhatthehell

I like gin, mittens and otters, not necessarily in that order. Here's some stuff I felt like writing down when I'm not chained to a desk writing other things for a living. Please use caution when using this site; there may be sweary words, cute animals and general bullshit. Don't say I didn't fucking warn you.
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