Fuck You Australian Supermarkets

I’m just putting it out there: Australian supermarkets are shit.

Coles: 6.30pm tonight

Tonight I went to two supermarkets after a long day at work. Neither had all the things I required for a very simple dinner (chicken, avocados, decent tomatoes that were not squishy). WTF? My mother managed to cobble better things together when she lived in bloody Nigeria for god’s sake. Sure the chicken was still alive and shit but seriously. She did.

I hate to say it, because Tesco is the devil, but I miss Tesco. I miss Morrison’s and Sainsbury’s and even the goddamn local SPAR. Because they understand the basic tenet of being a supermarket: give people what they want. Give them delicious fresh produce and don’t have fucking empty shelves at 6.30pm and figure out people will just cop it because they are stupid and they will do without and be back tomorrow. Which is exactly what is happening right now.

Tonight, Coles had sold out of avocados and had shitty, past best-by tomatoes. So I dumped my basket in a massive huff and headed to IGA which was empty because now Coles is allowed to stay open later so no one goes there. They had heaps of avocados, shit tomatoes but no roast chickens which Coles had and no bags of cat treats only fucking shit for dogs. I hate dogs.

Do you see my problem here? In my unwillingness to shop in two stores because I believed I should be able to shop effectively and get what the fuck I wanted in one store, I fucked myself.

I also visited TWO bloody off-licences (read bottle shops here, Aussie friends) to get a bottle of bloody Pimms. None. Thus rendering the two bottles of lemonade I had bought in the supermarket fucking redundant.

Help us Mary – please

I’m so mad I am going to write a letter. Two, in fact. Firstly to Dear Coles: Just cos you are now allowed to trade til late doesn’t mean you can fuck your customers over, not order enough stuff, make pretend discounts and generally be shit. Two: Dear IGA. I like you because when everyone is at Coles, you are empty and refreshing. Buy some decent produce. Don’t give up. Go fucking organic or something. Sell gourmet food. You are more expensive but make yourself more appealing. And get a new fruit and veg supplier because, frankly, your stuff is SHIT. It’s the crap at the end of the box once everyone else has had a go.

We need Mary Queen of Shops here. Stat. Australia, you do some things really, really well. Heaps of stuff. But supermarkets, nope. I can’t go to the local greengrocer at 6.30pm. I can’t NOT buy food. I’m in a bind here. Help a sista out. Pick up your fucking game.

Love, Me.


About ohhellwhatthehell

I like gin, mittens and otters, not necessarily in that order. Here's some stuff I felt like writing down when I'm not chained to a desk writing other things for a living. Please use caution when using this site; there may be sweary words, cute animals and general bullshit. Don't say I didn't fucking warn you.
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