Mother of the Year

You’ll all be gratified to know, as I am, that after Stacy Solomon’s “just got caught smoking whilst pregnant” problem, she’s been stripped from her title of Celebrity Mother of the Year and dear, dear Katie Price has stepped willingly into the breech, matching this year’s slightly (read much) tacky accolade to the one she won in 2007.

Now call me cynical (please do, it won’t hurt me, it will merely reassure me my work here is done) but Price basically won this award five years ago because her son to some football player is disabled. Having a disabled child must be the Worst Thing Ever. But unlike the normal bods who struggle for money, for help, for friendship, for respite, Price is somehow loaded and manages to attend many openings of an envelope / reality TV gigs in between caring for her son and waxing her five-year-old daughter’s eyebrows, swathing her in makeup and straightening her hair and sharing the pictures on Twitter.


I have no idea who Stacy Solomon is (X Factor maybe?) but, as Kerry Katona (heh) says, she was smoking a Silk Cut: “That’s pratically not even a cigarette,” Katona said. Look, I’m all for the baby’s rights and such, but I’ve had smoker friends who have been pregnant and skulked around the back of a restaurant in the dark while they puffed on half a fag. Once a day. Their doctors told them quitting Cold Turkey was Much More Damaging to their body and their baby and a cig a day would be just fine.

Jeez, my mother did the Right Thing and quit her Silk Cut (seriously) habit when pregnant with me. I’m five foot fricking two (five five in heels, men, take notice). She chuffed the fags all the way through pregnancy number two and my sister is five foot Fucking seven or eight or something.

*Stacy Solomom with Le Cigarette.

I’ve been out with very very expectant mothers who enjoy a tiny wine and soda or a half of cider on the rare occasion and good on them. It’s easy when you’re a non-pregnant person (especially male) to deride women for eating brie, having the odd tipple or a wee cigarette from time to time. Worse still are those fuckers that would castigate a woman in public for any of those things. My friends are not crackheads or alcos. They are simply people who would not deliberately endanger their child, But hell, life is a bit shit without some of the pleasures we all take for granted. And considering we were all born (80s and before) of gin-swilling mothers who fagged on Silk Cut all day long and ate seafood and soft cheese and we turned out ok, aren’t we going a little OTT?

There currently is no law governing women and their bodies and how they should treat them if they were pregnant. And nor there should be. Because people will do what they will do. Legislating (or having lay-people, say bar staff deciding that they cannot and wil not serve a pregnant woman a wine and soda) exactly what a woman can or cannot do when with child is patronising at best and tyranny at worst. Jesus, if SIlk Cut smoking, Blue Nun drinking mothers managed to spawn us in the 70s and 80s, before every single aspect of our private lives became public property, then surely we’d all be in respite homes. With all the warnings and the care we take these days etc, we can expect the same (if not better) results now.

Read Rachel Watts’ article on The Drum about proposed Foetal Homicide laws and then tell me you’re going to castigate a woman for having half a cider when you have No Idea Whatsoever about a) what shit your mother drank/smoked/imbibed when she was pregnant with you and b) what fucking business it is of yours.

There will always be women who treat their pregnancy as an inconvenience, women who take drugs and drink like a sailor and give birth to underweight children who will never be capable of a proper life because they are rendered mentally incompetant by their mother’s disregard or alcohol problem/drug addiction/whatever.

Just as there will be men who kick the shit out of their pregnant partner or couples who torture and kill their children. I ask you, what is worse? A woman who has a small drink once in a while and who sucks on a Silk Cut once in a while (with the doctor’s blessing) or the above?

So read Watts’ article and then wonder if the terrible looks you gave that very nice pregnant person were worth it. There are far much more worse things in the world than a pregnant woman having half a glass of champagne. Check priorities, yo.

PS Katie PRICE? Jesus Wept.


About ohhellwhatthehell

I like gin, mittens and otters, not necessarily in that order. Here's some stuff I felt like writing down when I'm not chained to a desk writing other things for a living. Please use caution when using this site; there may be sweary words, cute animals and general bullshit. Don't say I didn't fucking warn you.
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One Response to Mother of the Year

  1. Lisa says:

    Note that she was voted Mother of the Year by Foxy Bingo. A gambling website, clearly known for their strict code of conduct and highest morals.
    You may enjoy this:

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