Don’t Cook and Post. Ever.


I’m going to direct you to this website cooksuck.com because you won’t regret it. And the next time someone you know takes a photo of some slack gross utter rubbish they made for dinner and posts it on Facebook with some “snappy” comment about how good they are, you’re not going to be able to help yourself.

In fairness, I did text someone a photo of a meal in progress recently, just to PROVE I put mushrooms in my bolognaise, but really, that was it. I didn’t write “betcha wish you were coming round for dinner!” or “Me making bolognaise! Yum!”. No, it was “yes I fucking do put mushrooms in it and here’s the evidence goddamit”.

 

I give you Cook Suck.

Posted at 11:42 AM 39 notes Permalink ∞

Friday, February 3, 2012

totally made it again did you?  so jealous your work-life balance affords you the time to take ‘latina fresh’ packet pasta and place it in boiling water for dinner.  i think you can tell a lot about a person by how finely they grate their cheese; the thicker/wider the grating, the more likely it is the person lives in a cosmopolitan suburb like strathpine and enjoys tv shows like today tonight.  here’s the thing: just because it’s prepared (even by using the word prepared i am giving you so much more credit than you deserve) at home doesn’t make it in any way home made.  i am legitimately terrified as to what you think a quick meal would be.  supermarket hot chook eaten in the bathtub?  ughhh.  and those fucking idiots in your comments egging you on.  hot tip: they want the casual sex, not the ravioli/dry cheese slop, although now i think about it, your cooking suggests the former is probably much like the latter.

totally made it again did you?  so jealous your work-life balance affords you the time to take ‘latina fresh’ packet pasta and place it in boiling water for dinner.  i think you can tell a lot about a person by how finely they grate their cheese; the thicker/wider the grating, the more likely it is the person lives in a cosmopolitan suburb like strathpine and enjoys tv shows like today tonight.  here’s the thing: just because it’s prepared (even by using the word prepared i am giving you so much more credit than you deserve) at home doesn’t make it in any way home made.  i am legitimately terrified as to what you think a quick meal would be.  supermarket hot chook eaten in the bathtub?  ughhh.  and those fucking idiots in your comments egging you on.  hot tip: they want the casual sex, not the ravioli/dry cheese slop, although now i think about it, your cooking suggests the former is probably much like the latter.

Posted at 11:31 AM 5 notes Permalink ∞

Monday, January 23, 2012

this barren wasteland of a caesar salad is what people with obesity must imagine they’re going to receive if they order a salad (a big if), and what anorexics probably dream of receiving.  where the fuck is everything?  i’m assuming this is really healthy and all that but i’ll be damned if i’m having a caesar salad without, hmm, the components of a caesar salad.  if this meal was a sexual position it would definitely be silent missionary with the lights off, clothes on and an extra durable condom.

this barren wasteland of a caesar salad is what people with obesity must imagine they’re going to receive if they order a salad (a big if), and what anorexics probably dream of receiving.  where the fuck is everything?  i’m assuming this is really healthy and all that but i’ll be damned if i’m having a caesar salad without, hmm, the components of a caesar salad.  if this meal was a sexual position it would definitely be silent missionary with the lights off, clothes on and an extra durable condom.

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About ohhellwhatthehell

I like gin, mittens and otters, not necessarily in that order. Here's some stuff I felt like writing down when I'm not chained to a desk writing other things for a living. Please use caution when using this site; there may be sweary words, cute animals and general bullshit. Don't say I didn't fucking warn you.
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3 Responses to Don’t Cook and Post. Ever.

  1. Lisa says:

    Thats me not doing any work for the rest of the afternoon then. Love it.
    Although I am now going to encourage E to post pics on fb of all the meals he eats, telling him it’s what all the cool kids are doing. Ha.
    Also, email re dates and fun and what-not, coming your way….now!

  2. Lisa says:

    *That’s. God dammit.

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