The Best Time I Almost Killed a Friend #2


I was reminded about this whilst having a Facebook conversation about UK food, particularly nostalgic stuff and I wondered: Why were we all not obese as children? We ate the most amount of fucking shite. Monster Munch, Irn Bru, Findus Crispy Pancakes, Arctic Roll, you name it, we scoffed the e-numbers like mentalists.

But then again we ran around and climbed trees and shit and were forced to walk to and from school in the snow with bleeding knees and shit.

Aaaanyway. Revels. What a disgrace of a confectionary. There may be the equivilant in Australia but I haven’t found it, nor would I want to. It’s basically like a bag of malteasers except there are coffee flavoured ones, toffee ones, orange ones and a few others I forget apart from the peanut ones. They kind of all look the same unless you have studied them closely.

So one night, whilst I was at uni working in an old man pub in Edinburgh, someone produced a bag of revels and we decided to make Handsome Steve the barman, who had a peanut allergy, play Russian Roulette with chocolate. Sure, we’d all had a lot of Czech beer and the bar had been closed for many hours, but what the hay.

And Handsome Steve (who was very handsome) decided to play along despite knowing it might kill him and also despite the fact he was training to be a medical professional when he wasn’t serving idiots drinks.

A bit like the “The best time I ever almost married my best friend for a fruit basket story”, there’s no “he totally went into anaphylactic shock” awesome kind of ending to this. He didn’t. He managed to down six of the fucking revels before he realised his chances of survival were diminishing and we were all horrible people for encouraging him in the first place.

“Coffee!” he’d declare triumphantly, and we’d all clap. Then make him eat another. Still, he’s another mate I have not killed, despite my best efforts.

Anyway, I think he cheated.  Mostly the peanut ones were slightly bigger than the others.

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About ohhellwhatthehell

I like gin, mittens and otters, not necessarily in that order. Here's some stuff I felt like writing down when I'm not chained to a desk writing other things for a living. Please use caution when using this site; there may be sweary words, cute animals and general bullshit. Don't say I didn't fucking warn you.
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