A few years ago my sister was invited to a dress-up party. The theme? What you wanted to be when you were little. So my sister called my mother to ask and was stunned when she was told her dream had been to be a trapeze artist. In later years (when she was 20, she wanted to be a Formula 1 engineer, I know, we’re really different. She’s taller)
But anyway, sometimes, although saying “I’m a journalist” in certain situations makes you all fluff up your feathers and be chuffed with yourself and shit, there are many other times where you could wish you could say something else. Especially when you encounter middle-aged men who respond with “Oh, I’d better not say anything then, you might write about it” and you have to hold your tongue and NOT say “It’s ok, you’re really not that interesting”.
Yeah and then they tell you why the publication you work for is shit and stuff whilst simultaneously claiming they “don’t read it” and are unable to offer any reasons whatsoever why they think it sucks, so you sigh and realise you need to fight your battles and gently explain you wouldn’t sleep with them with a gun to your head, firstly because they originally thought you were “some kind of person who does filing”, secondly because they can’t spell or use grammar properly and thirdly because they are an idiot.
So here it is, a list, as composed by me (who else?) of things I would sometimes rather say when people ask me what me job is…
1. I am a writer of romantic but mostly erotic fiction
2. I am a private detective
3. I am independently wealthy and have no need to work
4. I invented post-it notes. I also invented Tip-ex/whiteout but that boat’s kinda sailed since the 90s. Did you know in the UK it used to be called Snowpeck?
5. I spent many years writing the poems that accompanied Beanie Babies and now I work for Hallmark
6. I am the captain of a vessel capable of time travel and I need a team of good people to accompany me when I ride the space-time continuum. Do you have plans this weekend?
7. I am the Dalai Lama’s spiritual adviser
8. I’m sorry, I can’t tell you
9. You’re not from Interpol, are you?
10. I play in a grunge/funk/ironic jazz band with hip-hop leanings