I Wish to Be a Peach


Terribly sorry about the dog’s breakfast of a post below. I tried to fix the formatting and could not, which sounds like everything that have ever gone wrong in my flat with plumbing, electricity etc, so best I leave it, lest my Dad warn me to “never fucking touch anything electrical again because you could have died.” Fair play, Dad.

Although I did actually download and upload 30-odd pictures to make the post more bearable because I’m That Committed. And yes it took ages and yes I might have been slightly watching Spartacus: Vengeance at the time, and probably could have done more important things like the dishes but the thought was there.

Anyway, changing tack; Are you famous? Have you ever wanted to be famous? DO you still want to be famous? Being a journo makes me realise unless you like being famous and like money (well who doesn’t) it probably sucks a bit. Who do you talk to (media) and who do you not? Do you sell your ridiculous wedding to Hello! Or Ok! or Women’s Weekly (no exclamation point). Are you wealthy enough to give the fee to charity? Have you had enough sunbeds?

Ah, the life of the famous minge…too hard by far. Glad I gave up on that dream and glad I sat and laughed at the talentless munchkins on ABC2 trying to make it in Hollywood, alongside their crazy parents. My parents would have told me to get fucked (no, they really would haveused those actual words) even if I was talented and shit (I was a bit…not much, but better than those gapy toothed wanabes on the doco).

Ah, LA pilo season and the mentalists who go there to make their kids a star. Awesome/crazy show on ABC2.

Actually, the mother of a soon-to-be massive home-grown star, who bagged her first TV show within seconds of being in LA recommended I watch it because everyone was Mad as a Box of Frogs. She’s not wrong. So the girl in question, who is 18 and lovely and I interviewed, will be starring alongside Dougray Scott, some chick from X-Men and ALEXANDER FUCKING SKARSGARD’S brother. He lost out on the looks in the family But Still. I is massively impressed and may use her in the future to get to Le Skarsgard’s brother. Be still my beating heart.

When I was 8 I wanted to be an actress. It didn’t mean all the shit it means now. It was being in a movie and on a poster and Being An Actress. Once I gave up on that particular dream I wanted to dance for the Bolshoi Ballet, even though I got kicked out of ballet lessons at about six and then grew boobs. Later I wanted to be an Olympic swimmer because I trained five times a week and then my Dad laughed at me and I realised that was a stupid dream. Also, I was short and grew boobs.

When I was in high school I wanted to be a lawyer but a) I did not get the grades to study it at uni and b) My mother ended up being right (as she is about too many things) and said she KNEW that was Not What Was Going to Happen. And it did not.

So I did a masters in English Lit. And I briefly studied Forensice Medicine. And then I accidentally, very very accidentally, became a journalist. Perhaps one day I’ll write a novel.

I remember when our next door neighbour’s children were evacuated because of a gas leak and had tea at our house and my mother, being the nurturing awesome school teacher-type, asked all of us what we wanted to be when we grew up (over cheap Asda Neopolitan ice cream). And in order of age, here are the answers:

Me: Actress

Glen: Firefighter

Lorna (my sister): Trapeze artist

Jamie: Dustman

Kerry: A peach.

Actually, I am reliably informed Kerry is studying drama at some fancy English drama school. So maybe I’ll end up being a dustman or a peach.

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About ohhellwhatthehell

I like gin, mittens and otters, not necessarily in that order. Here's some stuff I felt like writing down when I'm not chained to a desk writing other things for a living. Please use caution when using this site; there may be sweary words, cute animals and general bullshit. Don't say I didn't fucking warn you.
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