Conversations With My Cat


No, this is not a euphemism – if it was, it would be a really shit one and I’d like to think you know me better than that.

Cat: whiney miaow noise, repeatedly (whilst sitting in front of piece of string, looking resentful)

Me: I don’t want to play with the string right now. I am busy. I am doing things.

Cat: whiney whiney miaow miaow. (indicates string with slight tilt of head)

Me: This is an important life lesson, catface. Sometimes, in fact a lot of the time, we don’t get what we want.

Cat: (jumps onto couch, continues whiney miaow thing)

Me: No.

Cat: (continues merciless whingeing about string toy)

Me: NO.

Cat: (ad nauseum)

Me: I said NO! I’m busy reading this Very Interesting Article about some half-baked celebrity I’ve never heard of and her ill-advised lemon yellow playsuit/high heel combination. Go and sleep or something.

Cat: Miaow miaow miaow miaow miaow miaow miaow miaow

Me: FINE! Here’s your fucking string. See? It’s fucking moving and everything. Look, here I am, playing with the string. Oh good. You caught it. What the hell are you going to do now?

Cat: Miaow?

Me: Oh fuck it. Have some food.

Cat: Nom.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I should never have children.

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About ohhellwhatthehell

I like gin, mittens and otters, not necessarily in that order. Here's some stuff I felt like writing down when I'm not chained to a desk writing other things for a living. Please use caution when using this site; there may be sweary words, cute animals and general bullshit. Don't say I didn't fucking warn you.
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