I’ve interrupted the Very Important Business of writing my super-awesome-shit-but-probably-ok-within-the-genre-romance-novel to bring you my latest outrage.
What The Fuck is going on with all the feminine hygiene products? I’ve just been assailed by an advert for Vagisil Feminine Wash during the ad break of the repeats of Masterchef. And they didn’t even use the word vagina. For shame.
Firstly: The Vagina is self-cleaning. It needs no “feminine products” whether you are Femfresh or Carefree or bloody Vagisil. Stick stuff up it and you’ve got a trip to the chemist right there. Thrush, anyone?
Secondly: Why don’t we have dick freshening/cleaning products? Because men haven’t had their self-esteem repeatedly battered in the same way women have in order to sell unnecessary expensive shit. We’re an easy target market. Fuck up our self worth and we will buy what you say will make it better.
Thirdly: Vaginas. Not entirely happy with how they are, we’re told to bleach, wax, wash, freshen and surgically enhance them out of existence. That’s when we’re not either recreating the hymen through surgery so tarts that have already had a go can find god and be a virgin again or circumcising them with a rusty blade so women can never find pleasure in sex ever.
Fourthly: Why are we made to feel like our vaginas are a creepy, weird, unclean place? They are what they are. Even without these stupid motherfucking adverts preying on women’s insecurities women have been made to feel insecure about their bits for years. God, even visiting the gynaecologist after a day’s work in the office gives us the demens tremors in case it’s not a lovely rose garden down there.
Fifthly: It’s not a bloody lovely rose garden. It’s a vagina. It’s been doing what it does for thousands and thousands of years. So leave it the hell alone.