Things I Can Done Gone Good Maybe


In the light of my last post about my clear ineptitude at DIY and my fear of electricity and my inability to make good decisions on matters involving colours, measurements and maths, thought I’d cheer ma’self up and write a post about things I can do well.

I can do lots of things: I can write a 120cm feature article in an hour and a half. I can memorise swathes of poetry. I make excellent potato salad and about six other things that make people think I’m a good cook. I can knit and sew with average results. I’m an excellent swimmer and believe I would make it to land before you if we were shipwrecked.

My grammar is excellent and I know the proper use of Em dashes and brackets. I read voraciously and my book collection is worth more than anything else I own. I’m great at swearing and drinking. I can dance the cha-cha, the rumba and the jive. I have an aptitude for languages and can converse, count, insult, praise and thank people in eight of them, but properly in three.

I’ve never lost any points on my driver’s license, EVER, I’ve never – to my knowledge -appeared on Crimestoppers and I’ve never been arrested. Although there was that one time that cop caught us buying vodka underage from the local pub…

I’m great at ironing and furthermore, I like it. I buy only nice underwear. I like miniature things – wait, that’s not a talent – hang on…I have perfect table manners and know how to use a fish fork and can recognise one at 100 paces. I’ve got quite a good bull-shit-o-meter and my first instincts about a person are almost 100% correct, even though I think they are wrong and swing back and fro until I come back to my original conclusion and want to punch myself in the face.

I’m a great hostess but I regularly provide entertainment at other people’s parties by either dancing, singing or doing the impressive headstand I just learned at yoga, or sometimes being perfectly amiable and delightful company.

Back in the day I could play the piano, flute and sang in local competitions, coming at least not last. I do a rousing rendition of ‘Oh Flower of Scotland’. I can roll my tongue, wiggle my ears and I know most of the rules-ish to Rugby Union. I am proficient at most sports, including golf, and have reasonable hand-eye co-ordination. Old men love me because I charm them with my chat.

I know Leonard Cohen and The Rolling Stones’ back catalogue almost off by heart and I reckon my taste in music is better than yours. I’m not ashamed to be wrong but most of the time I reckon I’m right. I take criticism badly but only because usually its full of shit.

I’m very flexible for someone who does precious little exercise and I like cute furry animals. I can imitate, with reasonable accuracy, heaps of accents, including, but not limited to, South African, American, Welsh, Northern Irish, Irish, Invernesian, Aberdonian, Yorkshire, Australian, Cornwall, London etc…

DO YOU SEE WHAT I AM DOING THERE WITH MY COMMAS? THEY MUST COME IN PAIRS UNLESS THEY ARE PART OF A LIST.

Sorry for the shouty capitals. That was a bit unnecessary.

I’m tired now and I’ve bigged myself up enough. But I encourage you, yes, you, to write a list of your own. Because – and although I was always told NEVER to start a sentence with ‘because’: lie – sometimes you need to remind yourself what you are ace at so that what you are shit at doesn’t bring you down.

So, I can’t grow plants, can’t train my cat and cannot, for the goddamn life of me, get my head around DIY, changing a car tyre or electricity. I’m quite scared of fire and flames and I make terrible impulsive decisions, especially with clothes but I can do all the stuff above. For realsies.

Whatchu good at biatches?

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About ohhellwhatthehell

I like gin, mittens and otters, not necessarily in that order. Here's some stuff I felt like writing down when I'm not chained to a desk writing other things for a living. Please use caution when using this site; there may be sweary words, cute animals and general bullshit. Don't say I didn't fucking warn you.
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One Response to Things I Can Done Gone Good Maybe

  1. Lauren says:

    I wrote a damn good dissertation! I can swim the length of an average but not Olympian sized swimming pool underwater. I can survive quite happily in airports, in strange foreign countries and at parties my dad throws with his friends.

    I’ve read almost every X-Men comic released since 1983. I eat almost anything and can cook a few things, including an amazing paella! Coffee doesn’t make me crazy. I can draw/sing/dance (well enough). I understand several complex literary and philosophical theories. I know the difference between a well made film/book/song and a bad one and can find and appreciate brilliance in both (though not always, in either case). I’m good at massages and give them out freely.

    I can kick some ass using a variety of Jiu Jitsu, Kempo and Aikido. I’ve now reached a stage with my Myanmar where I can get by, and even pick up new words every day just from chatting to people at work or in restaurants or taxis. I have not fled the country, quit my job or crumbled into a ball of tears since that one time on my third day. It’s now been almost 8 months and I’ve got friends, hobbies, a place to live, money and no clue what I’m going to do next. 🙂 I am some girl.

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