If you weren’t totally sick to death of the mutual lady-love bouncing backward and forward between me and the lovely Kato – and why would you be? why? Are you dead inside? – then here’s a thing.
A random selection of text messages received by me from Kate
You smell like a wet pony
(while I am at work on a sunday) Why am I texting you to tell you I’m drinking wine and catching up on Game of Thrones? WHY DO I HATE YOU?
You are a bean among women A BEAN I tells ya!
I am drinking Pimms. This made me think of you.
(on being asked to text when arriving home after boozy night) Am I home safe or is my kidnapper/rapist forcing me to type these words? You make the call…xx
(on arranging to meet me at a bar) I’ll be the gentleman holding a yellow rose and a copy of Wuthering Heights
Sugar tits, fancy a cold wine and a hot chip? (recurring theme)