Boobs: What Are They There For?


Look, I’ll be honest here; breastfeeding makes me a little squeamish. I don’t know why but it does. I’m also a bit squeamish about children so let’s draw a parallel there.

However, I absolutely will defend a woman’s right to breastfeed her baby in public because when babies are hungry they need to be fed and that’s what boobs are really for in the first place.

Although when a woman faps her enormous tit out in front of me in a cafe into the mouth of a guzzling sprog, I feel queasy. It’s the defiant “here’s my tit!” “here’s my hungry child!” “fuck you!” kind of thing that bugs me. Not the “I’m just sitting here, breastfeeding my child quietly, whilst having a coffee and a chat with a dear chum” kind of thing, which is fine.

Seriously, theoretically (maybe) I’d be fine with breastfeeding in public but just because my breasts now have a proper function, rather than being men-attracting funbags, doesn’t mean I want the whole world to have a gander. If you don’t want any fucker in the room gaping at your baps, then there are ways to do it without a fuss and with a little bit of modesty. Don’t shoot me, I’m just sayin’.

Sure, David Koch is a massive twat. His douchebaggery only heightened by defending his snarking comments (that women should “stay classy”) by saying “I don’t mind if women sunbake topless, but I think out of respect to others, I hope they wouldn’t do it between the flags in high traffic areas at the beach with families around, or sitting on the edge of a public pool, that they would do it discreetly on the grass.” Which basically has very little to do with the argument in hand and more about the way he views tits.

Most women who breastfeed are totally fine. It’s the arseholes who tell women to stop and complain and make a big song and dance about it cos they can’t possibly handle the very human action of feeding babies in public because Oh My God, there’s TITS. Not as much tit as you see on Video Hits in the morning or on the top shelf of a newsagent, but TITS! That fuck everything up. So fuck you, haters.

But there is a small minority of mothers who see having a baby as a carte blache to basically Do What the Fuck They Want because giving birth automatically makes them immune to the feelings and sensibilities of others, particularly non-parents.

I’m talking about you, those people who let their kids run wild in a pub on a Sunday afternoon (hey, I don’t go to a kindergarten and get drunk, do I?) and you, person who thought it was hilarious when your baby shat all over a restaurant table and the waitperson got very upset. I’m talking about you, lady who fapped her massive tit out, pulling her top down to her stomach and talked loudly about breastfeeding as if to challenge the entire cafe to tell her not to. I’m not going to be a cunt and tell you you’re making a show. I’m too polite for that and yes, you should totally breastfeed your child. But for the love of god you are not making things easy on the mothers who need to and should be able to feed their babies wherever they may be. And if your toddler shits on my table, I’m calling the police. And maybe health and safety.

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About ohhellwhatthehell

I like gin, mittens and otters, not necessarily in that order. Here's some stuff I felt like writing down when I'm not chained to a desk writing other things for a living. Please use caution when using this site; there may be sweary words, cute animals and general bullshit. Don't say I didn't fucking warn you.
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