Teenage Dreams


Because I’m essentially very lazy AND because I mostly write this blog when I’m pissed and then realise occasionally i’m a genius, I’m going to reprise what was pretty much the first of my posts on this blog. Two years, 60,000 fans/haters, thanks y’all. Sometimes I looks at the stats and weep. No, I don’t really. Sorry.

Here be the things you should have (and probably did) read when you were a teenager in the 80s/early 90s. If not, Jesus, get a library card (oh, no, sorry, get on Amazon)

 

Sweet Valley High

Oh, Sweet Valley High. You were so good to me when I was a young ‘un. Jessica was a sneaky tramp and Elizabeth was boring as hell. How could you decide which one you liked best? They were twins for godssake! Lila was evil and Todd should have been drowned at birth. What a wet fucking waste of good skin. I found it difficult to suspend my disbelief a) because they were blonde b) because they were twins and c) Because they had a car. Called a Spider something. Or a something Spider. Whatever. But nevertheless Francine Pascal’s (and that totally should be a made up name, but it’s not apparently) series got me through those difficult years, namely when I was 12 and had never been shopping for cute sweaters on my own, my little village hid not have a Dairi Burger and I was not a “perfect size 6 (did not exist in UK then, or now) unlike The Twins.

But do not fear reminiscing SVH fans! This month, YES, right NOW, FP’s publisher is realeasing her new book Sweet Valley High: Confidential. No more touching underneath angora sweaters, this is the Wakefield Twins in their 30s. It may have some actual sex and even though the characters, living in New York lofts etc, bear even less resemblance to us that they did in the 80s, it’s gonna be good. Apparently one of the main characters comes out as gay. And they drink wine. Legally. Here’s a sneak peak: here:http://www.sweetvalleytenyearslater.com/?page_id=74

Judy Blume

Oh Judy what you didn’t teach me about desire, menstruation and fudding yourself stupid ain’t worth recording. Ask any woman aged 27-35 about “Ralph” and she will tell you EXACTLY what it means. It’s a penis by the way. In Deenie, we cried and felt so sorry for her poor crippled back. In Tiger Eyes, we wished we were Davey down in the canyon with the mysterious and devastatingly attractive Wolf, without the dead father incident. We got a tad pissed off with Margaret, who kept asking stupid God for all the answers, but in Forever, we figured out how sex actually works. Kind of.

I’m glad to say the international treasure Judy Blume told us more about ourselves than our best friends. Especially when it came to touching ourselves in our “special place”. We are vinicated by the fact that JB is still censored in US libraries because she is too risque. Probably all those references to sanitary napkins. Ah the 80s were good, weren’t they?

And more good news dear readers: Tiger Eyes is being made into a movie as we speak.Directed by Judy Blume’s son, it will feature Amy-Jo Johnson from Felicity (you know, the annoying whiny bitch with the guitar) as the mother. I predict cinemas will at least be 50 per cent full of women over 30. Let’s hope we are not disappointed.

VC Andrews

Admit it. You read them. The Dollanganger series. But don’t worry, Virginia Andrews is dead and she was sicker than you. Incest, weirdness, gothic rags to riches stories. Ok, so we all read with gaped mouths until Petals in the Wind or If There be Thorns. Then the sex-with-your-brother thing wore off.  If you didn’t have a brother, like me, then you might have persevered until Seeds of Yesterday, but never finished the series cos seriously, it was too fucking weird, even for you and your hormones.

In any case, by that time you’d found someone’s older sister to rent you Dirty Dancing and buy you Babysham and you’d moved on. But if you do end up having daughters, seriously, there’s nothing like the touching-underneath-the-angora-sweater-wanking-period-illicit-sex combo to prepare her for life. Get on Amazon as soon as you conceive. It worked for us.

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About ohhellwhatthehell

I like gin, mittens and otters, not necessarily in that order. Here's some stuff I felt like writing down when I'm not chained to a desk writing other things for a living. Please use caution when using this site; there may be sweary words, cute animals and general bullshit. Don't say I didn't fucking warn you.
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2 Responses to Teenage Dreams

  1. I always really liked the Sweet Dreams series too.

  2. Fiona Hulton says:

    I nearly cried a few months ago when I found this article about the Sweet Valley High’s being ghostwritten – I had no idea!

    http://www.kenyonreview.org/kr-online-issue/2013-winter/selections/amy-boesky-656342/

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