At my darkest moments, at the height of my brain-madness, this is what I thought:
“‘If God exists, and I truly don’t believe he does, he will know there are limits to human understanding. He was the one who created this confusion in which there is poverty, injustices, greed and loneliness. He doubtless had the best of intentions, but the result has proved disastrous; if God exists, He will be generous with those creatures who chose to leave this Earth early, and he might even apologise for having made us spend time here.”
– PC: Veronika Decides to Die.
Sometimes I still think it. Sometimes I see pointless thing after pointless thing stretching out in front of me until I get much older and useless and the eventually die. I get angry and upset by politics, bad decisions by decision-makers, things far beyond my control.
Sometimes I’d like to cash in all my chips and have a whale of a time for a few weeks and then slip away. I’m not going to leave much. I’d at least like to leave a novel that some people might read. Which, because I’m a terrible person who deserves to die alone, I think is more worthy than leaving behind children and grandchildren.
I’d be a terrible parent. My children would be raised on Mars Bars and Disney movies. Oh hell, I’m getting all Jean Paul Sartre on your ass. Here, have one of the only Shakespeare poems I actually like. If I do accidentally set myself on fire etc, like this at the funeral/whatever.
Fear No More
Fear no more the heat o’ the sun;
Nor the furious winter’s rages,
Thou thy worldly task hast done,
Home art gone, and ta’en thy wages;
Golden lads and girls all must,
As chimney sweepers come to dust.
Fear no more the frown of the great,
Thou art past the tyrant’s stroke:
Care no more to clothe and eat;
To thee the reed is as the oak:
The sceptre, learning, physic, must
All follow this, and come to dust.
Fear no more the lightning-flash,
Nor the all-dread thunder-stone;
Fear not slander, censure rash;
Thou hast finished joy and moan;
All lovers young, all lovers must
Consign to thee, and come to dust.
No exorciser harm thee!
Nor no witchcraft charm thee!
Ghost unlaid forbear thee!
Nothing ill come near thee!
Quiet consummation have;
And renowned be thy grave!