Because these are just some of the things I have yelled at the television in the last few hours. I’m missing my former partner in crime because we’d laugh at these assholes together and then feel better about ourselves. Now I’m just angry at TV, people and everything and getting cross because no one gets the opportunity to hear my well-timed insults. Gah.
“If there’s one thing we’ve learned from Justin Bieber etc it is that prodigious talent should not be encouraged until 18yo plus. Who The Actual Fuck wants to hear a 12yo singing a Willie Nelson classic about love when he’s never even tongued a girl? No one, that’s who.”
“It’s a fucking houseboat you over-privileged bunch of assholes. You’re going to lose all your lovely, lovely retirement money, but at least you’ll have a shitty, brown, silty river to fall into should you want to take your own life”.
“I want to be Gok Wan’s BFFFF. I love him”. (This was the only non-insult)
“Fuck you Tony Abbott. And please tell your youngest daughter to wear a bra and not to try and rock black-and-orange tight-fitting clown pants while she tries to tell the country you’re not a massive cunt. Your daughters are in their 20s. Please stop holding their hands in public like you are totally NOT a misogynistic dickbrain.”
“Television is actually THE WORST. There’s not even any decent docos on ABC or SBS iView. I hate my life. Oh! Look! Wine!”
“I do like Formula One but only if I choose to watch it over other things, not because it’s the only non-shitty thing on 30 channels. Also Monaco is my favourite because there are more crashes and I’m a nasty bitch who likes them.”
“I fucking ate TWICE today and now I’m hungry again. Food is so goddamn boring. Pass me some wine.”
More grumble, grumble, swear word, swear word etc etc. Don’t come near me. I’ll make you hate Everything.