Things You Should Not Worry About if You Have a Vagina…

1. It’s not clean enough. Even though you cleaned it a million times. Ok guys, how good does your dick smell? We’re more likely to get down and dirty with our mouths with your ‘little friend’ than you are with our ‘font of all knowledge’. People’s privates smell like they should. Sex. Unless you are totally disgusting. Also, dicks are weird. They look weird, they are weird. Why should you be worried about your snatch, unless he’s a total cunt?

2. It’s too hairy. Well, horses for courses. A man once told me mine was a bit much. After years of spending extortionate money on getting it waxed out of existence and then thinking “can I be fucked?” I merely quoted Caitlin Moran at him: “at least my downstairs doesn’t look like a 12 year old child’s.” FYI I now I have a bit, but not excessive, Hair Down There. So shoot me.

3. It’s ugly. Have you seen that old Cosmo spread where they had photos of about 100 dicks? No. Well that happened about 15 years ago, so don’t panic. As I’ve said before, dicks are not the nicest thing to grace God’s green earth. Vaginas are individual, like cocks. No two are the same. Think about your body. Which bits do like most and least? For me, I like my eyes. I hate my height and my stomach and my thighs. I worry about my vajay-jay. Who doesn’t? But you know what? No man worth his salt will dump you because you have fat thighs or a different snatch than he is used to (hell, his dick is different) or all of that stuff. If you fuck vacuous individuals then you’ll reap the whirlwind.

He might have a smaller or bigger dick than you think you prefer, but what of it? Pleasure comes sometimes from places you least expect it, when you think you know what your thing is and then BOOM. Different. Vaginas are vaginas. As long as you can make it with your boo, then stop the fuck worrying. I’d like to ‘try before I buy’ with a potential partner’s cock, but we don’t all have that luxury. If you’re well down with your love-interest, then those things go out the fricking window. RELAX.

4. There ain’t no 4. Sorry. Dicks are as various as vaginas are. Don’t feel weirded or strange because you don’t have the perfect vagina (and also, remember, TV rules mean you can’t see what the “ideal” looks like). And your man won’t have the “ideal” cock, whatever that is. Very rarely has a relationship faltered because a cock or a vage has not met “expectations”. Usually it’s more to do with personality, friends, differences of morals, religion, ethics, cheating or one of you being a total cunt.

So don’t fret about your Friend Downstairs. That’s the last thing you should worry about. Instead, if it’s a one-nighter, be concerned he wears a condom. If it’s longer term, be concerned that he’s lovely and shares similar values or friends or whatever that makes you compatible.

The thing about sex is that 9/10 you can make it work if the will and the interest and the desire is there. So don’t get all concerned. Everyone is different. And also listen to Dan Savage’s LOVECAST. 


About ohhellwhatthehell

I like gin, mittens and otters, not necessarily in that order. Here's some stuff I felt like writing down when I'm not chained to a desk writing other things for a living. Please use caution when using this site; there may be sweary words, cute animals and general bullshit. Don't say I didn't fucking warn you.
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