I Got No-Fucking One! Yay. Slow fucking clap…………and then…………..O
PS, the people I turned to for help, it would serve them right if I strung myself up right now. But instead I’m going to keep on living for a while and I’m going to pretend they never existed. They are dead to me. So fuck you. I hope your lives are filled with all the normal bullshit that normal people’s lives are filled with. I can guarantee that apart from the children you’ve bred you won’t be remembered for anything. You’ll be a line in a family tree, in a book somewhere.
It is so fucking hard to ask for help, harder than you would believe. But go on about your stupid banal lives and take your pleasures from the pretty much shitty things ordinary life has to offer. Thanks for coming. Thanks for being one in a million-trillion.
I’ll leave some stuff. Maybe it will last, maybe it won’t. But I’ll leave more than grandchildren and photos of family gatherings and bullshit. Fuck you all. We know less about each other than the man on the street. Your sense of family is screwed. It relies on everyone playing a part. It relies on everyone playing to the same tune. It does not need or expect or want to understand difference. It does not want understanding or empathy. It wants conformity.
One thing I wish my family had? EMPATHY. UNDERSTANDING. sorry, that’s two. I have the most wonderful friends in the world but you cannot constantly go to them; you need your family. But I can’t go to them. My Dad, yes. But my Mother and Sister have charted their own course. I can’t compete or even try to. So I’ve let it go. This year has come to a head. I wanted to come home. Last year I cashed in all my holidays and favours and everything I had to try ad save my parents marriage. And this year….I get nothing. This year, I will be spending Christmas, not at work as I usually do! but entirely alone. Thanks parents, thanks sister, thanks family.
I’ve been struggling to fuck with a mental illness since January and yet you all fucking go off your ain way. What the fuck do you think I’m going to do on Xmas day, remembering how important it is for our family? Well check in, why don’t you, cos I might just finish my novel then fucking kill myself. Just Fucking Saying.