Facebook Makes Me Want to Repeatedly Punch Myself in the Head

Yes, Facebook growed up and got all shitty on us. Thanks people and FB and everything for making this social networking site a veritable dumping ground for all the vacuous, inane crap that should have stayed where it belonged – in people’s heads.

Instead, much like that creepy person behind you in the supermarket queue, we are all now exposed to the ramblings of idiots who can’t keep their traps shut. Let’s be honest, the vagueries of your day/mind/lunch are of no interest to anyone.


I don’t give a panhandling fuckbar about where you had lunch or did pump class or got your tyres changed. Your toddler won’t eat green things and took a dump in the living room? I’d be spending my time researching child behavioural specialists rather than sharing that little gem of information if I were you, but I suppose you need a hobby in between being an insufferable asshole and looking after your progeny.

You’re going to/coming back from holiday? I’m so glad you let everyone know you are at the airport, especially if it is a check in to mysterious destination with no explanation.

“Liking” comments I can get my head around. However liking page after page of absolute shite (Coles, Footlocker, Mumm Champagne) or cause after goddamn good cause (insert all charities here) or petitions (save our…left, right, centre et al) shit me to tears. You are clogging up my information feed with total nonsense. What you do, believe in, act on or support in real life bears NO resemblance to the quick and easy likedy-like-like on Facebook. You are a fraud. And you probably won’t get a $10 off voucher for clicking the button. If you are going to ponce around in this charade of a right-on-er, then provide some interesting commentary. Open the fucker up for debate. I only like things I genuinely like. Like, like a lot. And it may help that person or thing, such as my friends or my local bar. Liking orphans in Sudan or the millions of displaced in Syria DOES NOTHING TO HELP. A bit like how that shitty what colour is your bra status crap DOES NOTHING to raise money, support or awareness for breast cancer. You’re better putting 50c in a charity tin.

Big News, such as engagements, pregnancy, cancer treatment, death of a loved on is best shared FIRST with the people who matter. In person. Then you can squawk all you like about it on FB. If you’re a Gen Y or younger, a text message is also acceptable.

If you’re going to slag someone off on FB then name them. Let’s have none of that “people who” and “someone said”. Name, shame or fuck off. Or consider reducing your friends on FB so you can slag off the people you want to. Conversely, don’t air your dirty laundry in public. Stay classy, FB.

If you are concerned about someone who has posted some things on FB – are they ok? My, that sounds a bit worrying, the Pick Up The Goddamn Phone and Call Them. All the kisses and sympathetic bullshit in the world means little if you’re that shit of a person you can’t be bothered actually being a friend.

You should be funny, interesting or informative. Preferably all three. Or asking for help (plumber, electrician etc). The best FB post I have seen all week is a friend who saw his neighbours having sex on their lawn. See? It’s not hard. You may also have a rant against various companies that have done you wrong. Although I prefer to make complaints in writing and get refunds/free stuff/true justice.

As a friend of mine said recently; “I hate people who post about going to the gym. Now if I posted that, it would be hilarious, clearly because everyone who knows me would think I had lost my mind. It would either be a joke or I had gone mental. Either or, it’s funny.”

Finally: Cut out the smugness. No one likes a smug cunt.

Also please refer to this handy manual for further advice….. waitbutwhy.com has got you all covered with its 7 WAYS TO BE INSUFFERABLE ON FACEBOOK.






About ohhellwhatthehell

I like gin, mittens and otters, not necessarily in that order. Here's some stuff I felt like writing down when I'm not chained to a desk writing other things for a living. Please use caution when using this site; there may be sweary words, cute animals and general bullshit. Don't say I didn't fucking warn you.
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2 Responses to Facebook Makes Me Want to Repeatedly Punch Myself in the Head

  1. Sharing things like that “This is horrible” really gets on my nerves!
    Also, not sure if it happens all over the world, but some of my friends now use to call Facebook just “Face” 😛

  2. google says:

    What’s up, all is going perfectly here and ofcourse every one is
    sharing data, that’s in fact good, keep up writing.

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