The Lovesong of Henry WD Cavill……


The only thing he could do to be even better would be to rescue abandoned animals, give vaccinations to children in third world countries and breed unicorns. Stand By.

I’m not even really a fan, per se. I have not, for example, seen Superman. I did, however, watch I Capture the Castle because I loved the book and him in it was a bonus round. Immortals was….ummmm…sorry. I do not know his date of birth, his favourite foods, pets, ex-girlfriends. Because I am not a 15-year-old obsessive child (but Jordan from NKOTB – I was on to you back in the day…). He just seems both very handsome and also fucking awesome.

I’d like to do tequila shots with him and then play ‘chap and run’ on the neighbours. He’s lovely in a UK-also-Ewen-McGregor-be-great-to-have-a-few-pints-with-type-gent. In fact, I reckon we’d all have a great time doing that after a few ales. If only I’d picked Strathallan instead of Dollar when I went to boarding school. Then me and McGregor would have been BFFFF and I wouldn’t have to list my near misses with him over the years on the internet for the amusement of others. EWEN – That Taxi Driver?? Ammarite?

In short, Cavill is a cat up my own alley. Because he has delightful manners, is funny as all hell and also not bad in the looks department (by which I mean his cheekbones could cut glass and aaaaarrrggggg). I bet he reads books and newspapers and can talk with some authority on the situation in Syria whilst getting shitfaced and dancing like a muppet.

I bet he loves rugby and everything (even though he was probably a Back at school and was a bit ‘ok. I have to, so I will’. I bet he read I Capture the Castle before he was in it. I bet he swears like a sailor but not in front of the cameras. I bet he can’t ski and eschewed the annual school ski trip to Austria. I bet he has nice handwriting and average schoolboy French he pulls out every once and a while. I bet he has a secret fetish for Monster Much/Skips/Wotsits/Smith’s. I bet he likes Peep Show and watches David Mitchell’s Soapbox. I bet he’s rubbish at card games and hates Monopoly (who doesn’t? families and relationships have been rent asunder by this evil game) but would beat your arse at Cranium/Scrabble/Boggle/Trivial Pursuit (but the 1980s version his parents had…I should know…)

I bet he’s into a bit of medieval history now and quite likes being atop a destrier and handling a sword. Like a goddamn Pro.

I bet he doesn’t google himself, or have Facebook or Twitter accounts (refreshing). I bet his family slag him off when he’s named something-something-something-sexiest man.

I bet he and his family have a massively traditional Christmas with stockings and turkey and All The Things that Make Christmas if you are My Mother. I bet his Mum still sends out handwritten Christmas cards before the last post. I bet he’s tried whisky but never really liked it. Neither did I! and now….nom…

I bet his family are quite lovely and he has some kind of bolthole in the UK, in the country, where people say “there’s that chap off the telly” and wave and say “mornin'” and then leave him alone. I bet he has read Donna Tartt’s The Secret History, and if he hasn’t, he should/will. I bet he thinks fame is a bit mental and can’t believe going to the supermarket ends up on TMZ. I bet he misses the UK when he’s in the US. I bet sometimes he’s trying to sleep and goes “what the actual fuck just happened in my life?” I bet he’s actually a lovely man.

It suits my head to believe it is all so. Wish he’d do something cuntish but he probably won’t, because not all that Hollywood stars are massive twats. But Henry Cavill? What a Chap. What a Sir.

*Henry; call me. We will totally craze the neighbours….

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About ohhellwhatthehell

I like gin, mittens and otters, not necessarily in that order. Here's some stuff I felt like writing down when I'm not chained to a desk writing other things for a living. Please use caution when using this site; there may be sweary words, cute animals and general bullshit. Don't say I didn't fucking warn you.
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