How Fucking Dare You


*author’s note. Sorry, I’ve updated this because I have too much time on my hands and one of the fucksticks who made a stupid comment on FB about this got my goat. I have not even touched the sides about the whys and the wherefors and the power and the ego. Jesus wept. Do not engage me, drunk or otherwise, in a battle of wills and intellect on the internet because 9/10 I will crush you with reason and facts. And so my drunken, outraged goat got all in his face. Dear GUY; I see you and I raise you: Get Fucked.

Shall we begin….?

A friend of mine posted a truly horrible experience on Facebook the other day. Standing at the lights, a carload of men started shouting violent and sexually-based abuse at her. I was going to write a big diatribe on this but I’ve been busy writing massive tomes on various FB pages about this so I’ll just repost them. Lazy is as lazy does. There’s only so much indignance you can deal with on a Thursday night…

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But firstly – how Fucking Dare You? How Fucking Dare You make us feel vulnerable and unsafe? How Fucking Dare You make us fear for our lives and our bodies? How Fucking Dare You treat us in a way that would shock, offend and anger you if it happened to your mother, your aunt, your sister, your cousin, your daughter? How Fucking Dare You treat us with such disrespect, as if we are little more than our body parts? How Fucking Dare You make known your feelings to us on whether you we are fuckable or not? How Fucking Dare You laugh when your mate, colleague, relation does this to women? How Fucking Dare You use your physical strength, your strength in numbers, your enviable privileged place further up the top of society’s tree to crush, suppress and intimidate? How Fucking Dare You treat other human beings (50% of the population) this way because they have a vagina and not a cock? How Fucking Dare You think this is acceptable? AND How Fucking Dare You stand by and do nothing whilst other men perpetrate these crimes whilst intoning “it happens to men too” or “Not All Men!”. How Very Fucking Dare.

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1. Every woman I know has had an experience akin to this in Perth. There’s a particular theme of men in cars shouting sexually violent/harassing things as they drive past. Sometimes I have just put my head down and prayed they leave the area and leave me alone. Other times I’ve shouted a big “Fuck You” and flipped the bird.

But there is always the fear in the back of your head, no matter your response. How dare you make us fearful for our lives and our bodies? How dare you insult us and frighten us using sexually threatening language? How dare you find it empowering and amusing? Actually, hang on. I’m a-gonna blog this. (Clearly could not be bothered…)

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2. Shane XXXXX “What were young men learning at school – or at home – that enabled them to think what they were doing was not only OK, but also funny?” Writes an article because she was judged on her appearance and then in that article judges all men on the behaviour of 6. Perhaps she meant to write “these young men”…

ME: Oh SHANE. It’s a shame you don’t understand empathy or recognise your lovely privileged position in the world. Please do check out the hashtag #notallmen and then come back to us. The sad fact is that this is a DAILY OCCURRENCE for us and our (and presumably, your) female friends. This is not a shocking or unusual incident. Your argument that “not all men do this” doesn’t mean that “very few, in fact hardly any men do this”. Men do this all the time. If you are not one of them, then congratulations, we thank you. Perhaps instead of attacking the author of this article you could turn your finely-tuned understanding of the harassment, intimidation and frankly fucked treatment that us lady-people endure every single day and educate your fellow blokes. Help a sista out, won’t you?

  • Shane  Thank you for your passive aggressive sentiments Lindsay. You are assuming I don’t think the occurrence in the article was terrible and not sure how my position in the world is privileged a) you don’t know me b) you don’t know the sacrifices my Wife and I make to live this so called privileged position. I, as my father did (and his father did), teach my two young boys to respect females, their elders etc, to have good manners and to do things to help others. Believe it or not there are some of us who will open a door for a women, stand back to let them get off a train etc first but if you look for the worst in people you will always see it. Am I perfect? Hell no. Would I have said something to the carload of 6 fuckwits and risk getting my head stomped in? Hell no.

    I don’t know what article Nick read but the single mention of ‘good men’ was quoting a Facebook post and the article refers broadly to ‘men’ twice. I have copped abuse of similar vitriol many times from a particular group of people around Perth train station, the City malls, outside the library etc and the majority of my interactions have been bad. I bet if I was a journo and wrote an article in the West branding them with the same brush I’d be called a racist and probably lose my job.

    I think, as the story title suggests, your beef is with bogans… not men generally but don’t letting hat get in the way of a good story.

  • ME: Firstly, Shane, I was talking about your privileged position as a man. Not what you and your wife and two boys have ‘been through’ (smacks of Tony Abbott’s I have daughters and a wife therefore not sexist kind of excuse). You fundamentally misunderstand what I am saying (to give you the benefit of the doubt, I’d think deliberately) I apologise now for not using para breaks
  •  So I’ll do this like half of Noah’s arc – one by one. Firstly, my response was not passive-aggressive. I’m not sure what you think the phrase means, but that was not it. It was factual, inflammatory, sarcastic, possibly offensive and aggressive, but in no way passive.
  • Secondly, as much as your presumably lovely upbringing would lead you to believe, sexism and sexual harassment is not the domain of the ‘bogan’. What us ladeez are trying to say and you have oh-so-skillfully avoided recognising is that it happens All The Time from All Kinds of Men.
     Thirdly: You’ve copped abuse from men at train stations? Well I am sincerely sorry for that, I am. No one should have that in their lives. But you again revert to the argument that once you got shouted at, once you got punched, as if it is in any way equal to what the majority of women go through every day. You might as well start singing “What About Me” (the Shannon Noll version). I wonder if you fear for your life and body every time you get in a taxi, walk 100 yards to your house, at work, at the gym, at the movies, in your own fucking house when some crazy fucktard tries to break in or the taxi driver tries to rape you and the police are all like “we advised everyone to be aware of their surroundings” and women should “not take a taxi home alone”.
  • Instead of telling women not to get raped, be harassed, be discriminated against, we should be telling men – aka the Perpetrators – not to do it. You may have a lovely family and wife and be bringing up nice boys, but your statement that bad things have happened to you – ipso facto you know how the ladies feel and its just as bad for men shows a depth of ignorance I cannot bypass.
  •  And I’m not being passive-aggressive. I am merely arguing my point very strongly. All I’d like to say is, despite being a family man and probably quite lovely you have NO FUCKING IDEA what it is like to be female in this alleged ‘fair and equal society’. You have no idea what it is to be sexually assaulted. You have no idea what it is to feel in near constant fear. I’m sorry for your bad experiences but ONE in THREE women will be sexually or physically assaulted in their lifetime. We’re not even talking about sexual harassment or being touched up in a bar. We are talking about actual crimes – and at that, we’re taking about reported ones, because sexual assault is the most under-reported crime there is.
  •  It was only a few years ago that sexual assault victims no longer had their sexual history used against them in court, or the fact they were wearing a short skirt. I’m sorry, but your supercilious attitude annoys me as much as the ‘bogans’ you talk of, who treat women like meat. Because you hide behind a reasonable persona of having a wife and boys (who are taught, as you were, to respect women) but yet you call your few experiences of being shouted at and verbally abused at Perth train station something akin to what we are talking about here.
  • What we are talking about is systemic, cultural and ingrained attitudes towards women, who are already scared, intimidated and damaged by a society that accepts that women should just Suck It the Fuck Up. As I said in an earlier post (probably not on this page, so sorry) This is not a competition. And men who try to justify themselves and their position by saying “I was shouted and and abused” “it happens to men too” are just not getting the fucking point. Of course it does. But right now, we’re talking about women, not men. You don’t find shitloads of women commenting on an article about male sex abuse or harassment saying “But what about women???? No, because we fucking understand, that’s why.
     I don’t hate you Shane, I’d just like you to understand. There are too many men in the world who consider themselves “nice guys” yet reduce women’s experience of harassment and abuse to “this one time I got shouted at”. We are not hysterical 19th century characters, eating the wallpaper because we’ve been told women are not supposed to write novels. We are living, breathing people who endure a fuck of a lot and mostly keep our traps shut because we are so immured.
  • In conclusion, I’d rather wish you were more outraged by what happened to [redacted – my friend]. And I’d rather wish you were even MORE outraged knowing this was a daily occurrence for women. And here, I shall regretfully leave you. If you have the time or the inclination, please do check out the EverydaySexismProject. It has a FB and Twitter site etc. And also this video. Funny as it may be, and having less than no effect on the general manner of the men filmed, it was made using phrases that actual men had said to actual women (and gay men). It’s amusing because the roles are altered. Please, Shane, take a moment to imagine the reality – men saying/doing this to women, every day, every hour. And that’s the tame stuff. So be outraged, but please be outraged for the right reasons. That is all.

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Ummm – yes. That’s dressed like a “slut”. Whatever, dickhead…

3.  It’s the typical male defensive response, PS. A bit like commenting on an article about the rates of sexual assault against women – “but men get raped too!”. Yes, yes they do. But for the purposes of this article, we were talking about WOMEN, not men. You’ll get your turn FFS. Women do not, in such large numbers, comment on stories about male rape saying BUT IT HAPPENS TO WOMEN AND MUCH MUCH MORE! Why Are You Not Talking About Female Rape???”.

“But women shout sexual things at men! When they’re on hen’s nights and drinking and shit!”. Yes they do, but honest to fucking goodness, what we are talking about is an ingrained culture whereby men (and by that I mean A LOT of men) feel it is perfectly reasonable to shout at a woman on the street, touch up her arse at the bar without her permission, approach women on the street, masturbate looking at them on the bus and sexually assault, assault and rape them. This is not fantasy. This is FACT. There are STATISTICS. and those statistics are likely much higher in reality than they are on paper.

One woman dies EVERY WEEK in Australia at the hands of her partner or former partner (apologies for shouty capitals). If sexism, misogyny, sexual violence and the threat of sexual violence wasn’t real, we wouldn’t be munting on about it. ……Empathy is a rare quality. We’re not making this shit up. We are scared and threatened and humiliated by men who seek power for their own ego every single day. Saying “it happens to men too” doesn’t balance the scale. We understand you, men for whom it happens to. We sympathise. We empathise. Not all of us, but most of us.

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This is not a competition. Don’t get pissed off just because you think its implied that all men are sexist evil dicks. Be the change you want to see in the world (said Gandhi, or someone else). Don’t let it slide. Because as women, we are not saying “abuse us, rape us, threaten us, harass us!”. Men are doing that. And until all right-thinking men stand up to those who are not, we don’t have a chance. As an example; I’m not gay and I’m not a homophobe. But I will stand up to people who are homophobes because they are cunts and need to be schooled in compassion, acceptance and not being a cunt. No reason why decent men shouldn’t do the same. Apologies for the massive rant. Sermon over.

Anyway, in conclusion; Women! Don’t get raped! Don’t get sexually assaulted, assaulted because of your damn whore mouth! Don’t be making men shout horrible things at you that make you feel frightened and vulnerable and ugly! Don’t let them touch you up against your will! Don’t let them be sexist! Pick up your game, ladies. Men can’t DO IT ALL.

Jesus motherfucking Wept. We are still having this conversation. Whilst almost all of the men I know are lovely decent chaps who wouldn’t behave that way in a month of Sundays, two men I have loved and admired for a very long time pulled out the “it happens to men too!” argument. It’s mostly ignorance, rather than acceptance.

On one particular occasion, emboldened by booze, I decided to challenge that argument. I detailed, in front of my Father (it was not him that made the comment and I’d never told him and I felt a bit bad cos he was all quiet and introspective and obviously upset) just some of the times I had been sexually harassed, intimidated and the two times I had been sexually assaulted. That shut the fucking conversation up pretty quickly. I love the person who made the original objection very, very much. It just comes from a place of ignorance and, to be honest, the inability to imagine what it feels like to be a woman. I’m not waxing lyrical here. I like being a lady-person. But when I think about the abuse and utter shite I and every woman I know has had to put up with over the years, it makes me mad.

The threat of rape, sexual assault, assault, verbal threats are age-old. The fact that we can have jobs and own property and sue for divorce and are allowed not to be beaten into submission or traded for horses, the fact we are ‘allowed’ to be educated, can serve in the army, can earn more than our husbands or partners, can choose if we want children or not, the fact that we can be captains of our own destiny, can love other women, can vote and drink and have one-night stands is….clearly great. And also no less than we deserve. We are people. But the level of sexism, the wage gap, harassment, assault, sexual assault and all the associated bullshit we put up with are not.

Check out the #everydaysexism project. Check out this fucking video – based on Actual Things Said to Women (and Men, a few at least) and tell me things are fair. Piss on me and tell me it’s raining. Look at the number of women abused and murdered every week and tell me it’s not an epidemic. Look at that and tell me how tough men have it. Ask your mother/sister/wife/partner/daughter/friend to tell you every time a man has sexually harassed her and then multiply it by 10 or 20 or 100, because that’s the amount of times it has happened and she has forgotten it or just accepted it. Because if you don’t see or understand there is still a war on women going on then you’re fucking dreaming.

This is everyone’s business. This is everyone’s responsibility. Help make the world a better place for the women in your life. Stop this bullshit. You have no idea how awful it can be, but you can try and understand. And make a difference.

 

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About ohhellwhatthehell

I like gin, mittens and otters, not necessarily in that order. Here's some stuff I felt like writing down when I'm not chained to a desk writing other things for a living. Please use caution when using this site; there may be sweary words, cute animals and general bullshit. Don't say I didn't fucking warn you.
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4 Responses to How Fucking Dare You

  1. Hot C. Loads says:

    Someone needs a good hard dick. Bloody hell. What a gigantic, meandering load of piffle.

  2. Pingback: Aaaaaannd the Winner Is……. | ohhellwhatthehell

  3. Hot C, you lovely thing, you! I’ve gone done made you a special post of your own. Totally appreciate the feedback – don’t be a stranger 🙂

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