1. On a scale of 1-10, how much taxpayers’ money was wasted while I and the graphic designer did a whole bunch of work for idiots, argued the toss with said idiots, capitulated, did their stupid fucking irrelevant stuff anyway, only to be told FINALLY that we should not do the work for the idiots, but do what we have advocated all along?
2. Between 10 minutes and three hours, how much time have I spent doing my freelance work tonight? And as a bonus round – how many glasses of red have I consumed and how many games of Candy Crush have I played?
3. If 100 is homicide and 1 is slightly annoyed, where was I on the scale today when my middle-aged colleague would not STFU about utter bloody nonsense? BONUS: How any times did she say things in an infantalised/childish voice? BONUS BONUS: how many times did I wish I was dead and could not hear her?
4. Have I been given a designated desk next to her in the new office yes/no?
5. How many times did a lady in the office mention food and how they can’t possibly eat anything apart from kale until Sunday because someone had a birthday and they just ate a massive slice of Blackforest Gateau for Morning Tea?
6. Number of times I felt like stabbing someone who tried to walk into the lift before I had walked out? What is WRONG with you people?
7. How many charity muggers did I have to dodge just to get a sandwich 35m from my office?
8. How many creepy men sat next to me on the bus when there were PLENTY of very very empty seats? How old was he? Did he sit too close and did he try to touch me? Did I enjoy it?
9. How long did it take the other ladies in the office to STFU after our team meeting and stop gossiping/harassing me because I wasn’t joining in because I was (and told them I was) writing a Very Important ministerial document that was due earlier this morning. How many times did they hush and stage-whisper “see! she’s not even listening – she’s working, she’s concentrating.”?
10. What is the nationality and age of my neighbour, whom I once had round for a drink but then politely declined to have dinner with at his house and now hates me? Like really, really hates me, to the point of being overtly disgusted and rude whenever I pass him and say hello. Also – does he steal my newspaper in the morning?
SUPER BONUS SPIRIT ROUND! WIN NEW LIVES!
a) How do I fix the broken M button on this laptop? It’s lurching around like a drunken sailor because I tried to take it off and fix it. My bad.
b) Why is my cat so needy?
c) When will this thin veneer of normality shatter and expose me as the mental child-woman I really am?
And yes, there are prizes. For the winners out there, I’ve got a selection of Scottishanalia sent by my mother. Certified Kitsch, Kailyard and Tourismo.